There are Two Me's

There are two Me's...

When I was told that I was being judged each time I was seen at work, that I need to be SEEN working more diligently and efficiently, rather than talking to any outsiders or doing any secondary duties, or even routine chores, and if anyone suggested that I seemed to be taking half a day to do a simple task, my competency would be questioned...

There's a Me that cried out, "Why do I need to sell myself all the time? Why do I need to show the world how much I know, how well I work and how fast I can do things? Isn't it enough for me to finish my work, even if no one sees me getting it done?"

There's another Me that whispered, "Isn't this the same problem you run into previously? No one appreciates you. You are penalised for doing the duties dumped on you, you are being backstabbed by the very people you tried to respect and serve. Can't you just stop being selfless, stop being friendly, stop helping people to get ahead of yourself? Stop doing the secondary duties. Nobody cares if you do them at all. Just follow the norm, 'bo chap' until it's too late, then you won't need to do them anymore. Don't bother about washing those stuff at the sink, stop topping things up, stop clearing the rubbish after everyone else, just leave it till it's too late, and then some unlucky one will be forced to do it out of desperation, but at least you won't be seen like a routine chore-worker. Stop being friendly to anyone other than those useful to you, stop trying to make people smile and stop appreciating them just for being there, why do you waste time making others feel good, see each one as a competitor, use them to make yourself look good, make them give you what you need or want."

When I read the modern-day Samaritan story about about Yue Yue, the toddler who was ran over by two drivers, and left to die by 18 passerbys, until a scrap collector saw her, took compassion on her, and risking further complications, pulled her to safety...

There's a Me that asked the same questions as the old lady when she was expectedly, and ironically, accused by the public to be trying to gain publicity, "Is it really so hard to be a good person? To value another human life enough to do what you can do to save it, or even just help it to breathe a little easier for a even a short while? Wouldn't it make a world of difference to a dying child to look into the compassionate eyes, or even just feel the warmth in a human's arms, than to be left to die in the cold and darkness? What if you were the one being left to die in a pool of blood? What if it had been your child or your loved one?"

There's another Me that challenged, "Do you think you will have the courage to pull the toddler to safety if it had been you passing by? Don't you realise the old scrap collector had much less to lose compared to the 18 busy white-collared employees? Do you have the time, the courage, the confidence, the first aid knowledge to help the child without making things worse and ending yourself in deeper shit just for trying to help out of your naivety? Haven't you heard that people who helped old people who fell down, had got sued for their injuries too? Are you able to take the risk? At that crucial moment? Would you able to think clearly and act, before the child disappear round the bend, and you allow the demands of the day to drown out the moanings of the little voice?"

When my fellow cell member shared about how easy it is for a Christian to abandon his faith, if he is to go through heavy losses, injustice and painful rejection in life, despite having served and given to God faithfully...

There's a Me that answered with confidence, "A relationship is not a contract. It is not dependent on circumstances. You don't give up a relationship, just because it is not giving you what you want. If you really love God, serving and giving to Him should be unconditional."

There's another Me that confessed deep inside, "I am exactly like you. I struggle too, though I am often too proud and rational to admit it. I know if I truly love God and trust Him, I'll follow Him no matter what it takes. But so often, I doubted. I asked God why He had to break me so? Why I don't even have the right to pursue the things I want so badly that it breaks my heart just to lay them down each time they come into mind? Why I cannot play by the rules of the world, and glory in the things other people glory in? Why do I spend my nights praying, and my weekends serving, when I just want to relax and pamper myself with a long break? I know God loves me, and He sent His Son to die for me. Even if He doesn't do another thing for me, the debt His love has paid for me is so immense, I can never repay Him and I need to be grateful to Him. But the truth is, I am not grateful. I asked God, 'Where are You?', when I felt lonely and rejected. I asked God, 'Why don't You answer me?', when I felt lost and frustrated. I even accused Him, 'Why do You give me desires that I cannot satisfy? Why do You allow me to fall in love with something I cannot have?', when I needed to let go of what was not meant for me. And when I was down in the pit of despair and rejection, I cried, 'My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? If You are really there, answer me!' "

There are two Me's...

I used to think the first Me is the good Me, and I need to let it win over the second Me, which is ugly and worldly. And I have become so used to repressing the existence of the second Me, that sometimes, I don't even remember it's me. I may call it the voice of the devil or the voice of the world, and work hard at ignoring it. And my efforts at avoiding the painful truth of my own weaknesses make it hard for me to empathise with the people who are frank about their weaknesses. I become the self-righteous Pharisee, the elder brother that hates to see his younger brother back in the prodigal father's arms.

As I led another fellow sister in bible study, we came to a question:

What does the pre-eminence of Christ mean to you personally?

My answer 6 months ago:

Christ is the most important Person in my life. He is my Way, my Truth, and my Life. I am to follow Him.

To my surprise, I heard myself saying this, "You know, it is not the external show that God is looking at, it is the heart. Sometimes, Christians like me, may think that we need to follow God out of compulsion, because of what we have come to know Him as, and because of what He has done for us. But this is not the relationship God wants for us. He wants us to desire Him, to want to follow Him out of love and desire, not because we think there's no other way. How would you feel, if your boyfriend tells you, he's obliged to have dinner with you, rather than he's having dinner with you because he truly wants to be with you?"

My sister understood and she wisely summarised my answer, "Following Christ without the whole heart is not really following Christ." Because Christ is Love and whole-hearted devotion. And there's no faking to true love, no shortcut to whole-hearted devotion. Intimacy doesn't come through logical rationalization or nicely balanced equations. Intimacy comes through the embers of delight kindling the raw fires of desire and passion. Somehow as I seek to be firm and rigid in my obedience to what I know about God and His nature, I've lost the joy of simply loving Him and wanting to be with Him. I stopped knowing Him in the intimate way that I am once used to. Just when I insisted that love is not a contract, obedience comes without conditions, I've made it a cold, hard contract for myself, because I denied the second Me from crying its heart out to God.

There are two Me's...

And I've come to realise both Me's are me, they are both not God, they are not to dictate the choices I've made in life, but they are to be acknowledged and struggled with. Albeit contradictory, they make me human, complete with both rational thoughts and emotional needs, with ideals and fears, with strengths and vulnerabilities. So that I can connect with another human being sailing through the same storms in life.

There is a new Me...

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17. I have come to see that as a Christian, a bearer of Christ, we are made new, constantly. Not just at the time of conversion, but each time we yield and surrender to the workings of the Spirit within us. Each time, we say 'yes Lord, change me', not out of compulsion, but out of deep, deep desire, God comes and does a new work in our hearts. God is working in my heart. He is teaching me how to be humble and to listen to what He really wants, what I really feel, and what others are really saying. He is showing me how I can stop being so defensive towards criticism and accusations, and trust Him to keep me safe, because my value is secure in Him.

There will be a new Us...

I just read 'The Prodigal God'. It spoke the two ways a human can choose to live in order to seek satisfaction for its ever hungering heart. The first way is through self-discovery and experiential gratification. It is the path the younger brother in the parable of  'The Prodigal Son' chose. He told his father that he want to be the master of his own life, and demanded his share of the inheritance and left the family. On his search for his own fortune, he squandered his inheritance in wild living. The second way is through the careful, religious observation of the rules and requirements expected of us. It is the path the elder brother took, when he faithfully stayed with his father, labouring for him and never asking for any special favours. Because he thought by doing so, and by being such a stark contrast to his younger brother, he will surely deserve his father's wealth and respect. Yet both paths are sin... because sin is not just about breaking a rule, sin is a heart that refuses to acknowledge God as our Maker and Lord; sIn is putting 'I' in the center of our lives, making ourselves the lord and master of our lives. If we think we can bend God's arm to give us what we want, just by religiously obeying his laws and serving Him, then we are really our own god and judge.

The writer ended the book with the story of "Babette's Feast". Where the lives of two religious sisters came to a crossroad when their two young suitors sought to win their hearts and tempt them to live a life of sensuality and worldly success. Even though both women chose to remain behind in their strict and moral community, they did not find joy. When Babette, a refugee living with the sisters, offered to hold a feast with her lottery winnings, one of the suitors, now a great general, was invited. He arrived and reminisced the past. He felt that for all his worldly success he had not achieved happiness. He remembered his young love and her spiritual seriousness and wondered if he had missed out on what really mattered in life. However, the sisters had not achieved what they had hoped for, either, though they had followed the path of religious service. It was only when everyone sat down to enjoy the feast, the power of food and drink and the act of sharing them, break through the defenses of the people, and hearts softened and words sweetened, and forgiveness was sought and granted. One of the sisters began to sing with her pure and beautiful voice and everyone listened and remembered. The general rose to quote Psalm 85: "For mercy and truth have met together and righteousness and bliss have kissed one another." For he realised that somehow, morality and joy, the ethical and sensual, can come together.

Nevertheless the story does not provide us with a clear answer. Both the worldly life of sensual pleasure and the religious life of ethical strictness fail to give the human heart what it is seeking, then what is the way beyond these two ways? What does the great feast that melts hearts represent?

Jesus says, "I am the Bread of Heaven." He also shows us there is another way: through Him. And to enter that way and to live a life based on His salvation (not just laws!) will bring us to the ultimate banquet at the end of time. And even though we can have a foretaste of this beautiful ending and new beginning on this side of heaven--through prayer, serving others in love, allowing God to change us from within, and allowing Him to heal our relationships--they remain a foretaste of what is to come.

On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare
      a feast of rich food for all peoples,
      a banquet of aged wine--
      the best of meats and the finest of wines.
On this mountain He will destroy
      the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
      the sheet that covers all nations;
      He will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears
      from all faces;
      He will remove the disgrace of His people
      from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken. (Isaiah 25:6-8)

And I guess that will be the day our hearts can truly rest.

Through Heaven's Eyes

A single thread in a tapestry
Through its color brightly shine
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design

And the stone that sits on the very top
Of the mountain's mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life

Look at your life through heaven's eyes
Lai-la-lai...

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king
If a man lose ev'rything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around

No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance
You must learn to join the dance
Lai-la-lai...

So how do you judge what a man is worth
By what he builds or buys?
You can never see with your eyes on earth
Look through heaven's eyes
Look at your life
Look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes 

Have you ever felt life is meaningless? Have you ever wanted something so badly that you fear that life would not be worth living without it? Have you ever wonder why does it always have to be you? 

Recently, my cell group are working through the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament. As a group of twenties to thirties-year-olds, we raised many of our questions about life. As the wisest man, King Solomon, came to a point where he felt that he had 'been there, done that', and experienced all that life could offer him. His conclusion? "Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!" (Ecclesiastes 1:2) Even though many of us feel that we are in the prime of our lives, and we look forward to maturing in our walk, growing in love and wisdom, deepening our relationships, advancing in our careers, achieving independence,  finding our mate and building a family... deep down inside we know that all these cannot make our lives complete. And if we start to pin all our hopes for fulfilment on these treasures in life, we will one day realise we are running after emptiness, and setting ourselves up for disappointment. 

For one thing, these treasures are gifts that cannot be attained just by human effort. Sometimes, when you try too hard to get something, you actually spoil it for yourself. Only when you allow God to bless you as you work towards it in faith and hope, can you truly appreciate the gift and enjoy it to the fullest. If you keep focusing on what you have done or sacrificed to "earn" something, oftentimes you will end up expecting so much from it that you no longer feel grateful about having it anymore. And when you keep thinking that you need to continue to work hard just to keep it yours, the joy of having will be replaced by the fear of losing. Only when we understand that God's blessings are not determined by how much we have done/will do, but by His mercy and grace, can we start to loosen our grip, sit back and enjoy the ride whole-heartedly.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat--for while they sleep He provides for those He loves." Psalm 127:1-2

Also, a good thing obtained through the wrong way can actually turn the gift from a blessing to a curse; from a precious treasure, to a constant reminder of guilt and regret; from a heart's desire, to its despair and grief. A stolen treasure can never bring true satisfaction, joy or peace.

Yet, when we learn to see things and live life from God's perspective, everything changes. Suddenly the most mundane, menial task takes on a new meaning, because you get to do it in His name and for His pleasure. Suddenly the most daunting and dreaded assignment becomes a challenge you can face in His strength. Nothing has changed about you or your situation, just that now you see Christ at the other end of the yoke. And because you know He holds your ultimate reward and your future, you can be secure and be humble and be true.  All the difficulties in life become training ground for your character and soul; every stumbling block, a stepping stone to see yourself, accept yourself and allow changes to take place from within. And when you know you have an eternity to spend with Jesus, every little thing you do to love Him and love others, has eternal value--a lasting significance that outweighs momentary successes.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from the beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Yet, unless they see through Heaven's eyes...

...Together We Can Do So Much!

Recently, I went to a church conference, and one of the speakers shared this video with us, to show us the power of life-long friendships that are so deeply anchored in love and trust, and so richly bound by shared memories and dreams.

I looked back in my life, and I realised that God has indeed blessed me with many wonderful friends to see me through different seasons and chapters. Many of these friends continued to be a part of my life, as God wove our paths to converge time and time again. Friends are really His most precious gifts to me, angels without wings, yet they can lift me up from my filthiest pits and sing with me through my thickest nights. Even when they are not with me, the love they have shown me continued to shine on and make me smile, filling my heart with thanks, that someone, somewhere, knows and loves me.

Do you have a friend, or friends, with whom you can truly be yourself, and know that you will be accepted and loved without judgement? A safe haven that you can just laugh, cry and shout freely, and know they understand? Do you have friends who can make the dullest task, a breeze of fun and joy, or the scariest challenge, an inspiring adventure with a brother/sister by your side? Do you have friends whom you know will be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on, or just a companion to make grieving a less lonely journey? Do you have friends whom you would like to grow old with? If you do, you can count yourself the very blessed few! :-)

Jesus is the Perfect Friend, who stepped out and sought His friends from the beginning; believed in them till the very end; nurtured them to grow in character, love and wisdom; challenged them to break out of their comfort zones, yet caught them when they thought they were going to sink into the sea of self-doubt and shame; served them with gentleness and humility, stooping low to wash their dirty feet; standing bravely in the gap to pray and encourage them even as He prepared to meet His end; bared the anguish of His soul to them as He prayed in sweats like drops of blood before them in the Garden of Gethsemane; conveying His love and forgiveness to them even as He hung on the cross, forsaken by those He loved; and finally laying down His life for them, so that He can make all things new for them, and for the very ones that rejected Him.

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12,13

O Lord, grant me Your grace to be a true friend, as You have graced my life with so many precious gems. Teach me to see as You see, to listen as You listen; to give as You have given, and love as You have loved.

It's all good...because He's in charge :-)

I know it seems like this could be the darkest day you’ve known
But believe you me, the God of strength will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe are holding you tonight
You can rest inside, it’s gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea is calling you His child
So be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils, and snares you have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far, and His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe are holding you tonight
You can rest inside, it’s gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea is calling you His child
So be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He’s still got the whole world in His hands
You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He’s still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe are holding you tonight
You can rest inside, it’s gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea is calling you His child
So be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go

He’s still got the whole world in His hands
In his hands, yeah
He’s still got the whole world in His hands

written by Steve Fee 

Life can be so funny... just when I thought I'm starting afresh, with new opportunities of growth & friendship galore, I seemed to have plunged into a valley darker and deeper than the one I have just climbed out of. Just when I thought things cannot get worse than before, they actually did!  For a while, I whipped myself badly with self-blame..."it must be YOU! You seem to bring trouble and conflict everywhere you go! Why don't you ever learn?" voices of accusation assailed my tormented mind and crushed my already minute self-confidence. Next, I wallowed in a pool of self-pity (you know, the "emo" mode) and cried my heart out. Gradually, I learn to be still and listen to my thoughts and God's voice whispering deep within my soul, "Lifang, do you trust Me? This is something I got to bring you through, so that you can learn about My love and strength and light in your life, that you cannot learn in other ways. When you don't know what to do, when you don't know who to trust, that is when you need to lean on Me and trust me most. I created you and I hold you in my hands. I promise, I will never test you beyond what you can bear."

There is something that is hardest to bear for each of us. For some, it could be shame. And others, it could be abandonment. The hardest thing for me to bear is betrayal and, next, is to be wronged. Somehow, I need the truth about everything, and I will pursue the truth as much as I can. When I feel wrongly understood, I find it very hard not to try to justify myself. But sometimes, self-justification only makes the matter worse, because it is telling someone, "You are wrong to think that way of me." And oftentimes, the wrong impression originates from someone who has been talking about me in my absence; by voicing out my objections to what he/she have said, I actually put him/her in a bad light, as if he/she has been badmouthing me.

Which is more important? To have peace or to have truth? Without justice, can there be real peace? Yet without mercy, can the truth ever be heard and received by open hearts? I can't really figure these out yet, even though each of us have to make decisions concerning these issues, in big and small ways, everyday. I can only try my best to pray and do what I believe is closest to what Jesus would do. But sometimes, it can hurt so much. That is when I need to trust that God can heal and mend the brokenness in His time. If God is my Defense, my Tower of Strength, why do I need to be so anxious about defending myself? It doesn't mean I become a voiceless doormat, but it does mean I learn to submit my right to demand for immediate justification, because justice will come in His way, His time.

And it comforts my soul and lifts my eyes from my self-centeredness to the greater Truth, to know that my Lord and Saviour went through betrayal and injustice way beyond what I have experienced. He understands how it feels, and He has overcome the thick, dense, heavy darkness of being misunderstood by the whole world--the very world He came to love, serve and die for. A friend shared with me this: after watching the Passion of Christ, she couldn't help but asked Jesus, "Why were You so stupid (to go through all the suffering)?" And His tender answer touched her where she was, "Love makes us do stupid things."

Perhaps that is the answer I am looking for. To learn to submit in love, for Love.

Another Bend in the Road

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes

You are good so good

In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay

You are good so good

With every breath I take in

I'll tell You I am grateful again

When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight

You are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned

You are good so good

And when somebody's hand holds me up helps me stand

You are so good

With every breath I take in

I'll tell You I'm grateful again

'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved

And You are good

So how can I thank You and what can I bring?

What can a poor man lay at the feet of a King?

So I'll sing You a love song it's all that I have

To tell You I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul

You are still good

When the world is gone gray and the rain's here to stay

You are still good

With every breath I take in

I'll tell You I am grateful again

And the storm may swell even then it is well

And You are good

So how can I thank You what can I bring?

What can a poor man lay at the feet of a King?

I'll sing You this love song it's all that I have

To tell You I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands

So I'll sing You a love song it's all that I have

To tell You I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands

You are holding my life in Your hands

I cannot really see where my life is going... how it is going to end... what awaits at the next bend. All I can say, is that I am thankful for having You in my life. You have given me so much in abundance, so that I can share with those You have placed in my life, and enjoy to my heart's content. You have given me just enough of certain things, to teach me how precious they are, and how to use them wisely and put first things first. You have chosen to withhold some things from me, even though I may beg You out of tearful desperation, because I need to learn to trust that You are good, and You know what's best. When I lack, I can lean on You and Your ever-sufficient grace.

O Lord, as You belay me through life's upward climb, teach me to trust You more each day, to dare to tackle the next rock that may seem so out of reach, so small and slippery... help me to remember You hold the ropes, and because Your Love will never let go, I can keep pressing on and not be afraid of making mistakes.

And as I walk round the next bend in road, be it sunshine or rain or darkness awaits, Lord, help me to remember You hold my life in Your hands, and You are good, so good to me. :-)

  

A Father's Love

Self-doubt is my all-time enemy. I wrestle with it every day, and on some days, I would really feel like throwing in the towel and cry, "Surrender"! It is really incongruent to my beliefs, as a Christian, as someone who has been touched and changed by God's deep, deep love. How could I see myself so small and insignificant? If the King of the Universe would give His One and Only Beloved Son to die for me?

Last Sunday, a speaker came to our church and shared about the Father's Love. Matt Rawlins explained to us, that the heart issues often take root before the rational mind can make sense of it. Nobody wakes up one day, and decides that he or she is going to be insecure. Somehow deep inside us, there is already a small voice telling us, "Do something, or you will be nothing." Perhaps it comes from our parents, our teachers, or communities, or just the way a meritocratic society shapes its people. And heart issues are alot messier to deal with, because a whole lot of emotions and convictions are tied to them.

So how do I break free? How do I, for once in my life, FEEL, not just know, that I am special, created in the image of God, to reflect His glory, to shine His light, to be His princess, to feel His delight? How do I live life with a sense of purpose, knowing my identity without wavering before a world that is ever-changing in its beliefs, values, opinions, expectations and pursuits?

After studying for 10 years and working for 4 years, I've come to realise that my purpose in my life cannot be contained in studying or working. Though in themselves, they are good and essential activities for my human mind and earthly living, but my life and purpose need to come from Something Bigger, Someone Greater than them. When God showed me that I am made to know and love Him, with all that I am; and to love His children and His creation, as myself; I was amazed by the simplicity of my life's purpose and puzzled by the impossibility of this mission. For one thing, I don't even know how to be patient and gentle with myself, when "Love is patient and kind"!

It is only when I calm down and breathe deeply, can I hear His gentle voice telling me, "You cannot give what you don't have. You need to know Me first. Unless you know My Love, you can never love Me, or yourself, or others."

Yes, even though I have dreams and aspirations to change somebody's life, or even a small part of the world, with my love, I am just an empty vessel, as broken and fragile, as the world I live in. Without God's love, I have nothing to offer anyone else, or the world.

"To the world you may be just somebody, but to somebody, you may be the world."

Do you know the Somebody who loves the world so much, that He gave His most precious possession--His World--so that we who are the world, can know Him, and one day, become somebody who can change the world? Do you know the distance a Perfect Father's love can go for His child? Would you want to go the distance for your child one day? Would you let Him be your Hero, and let Him shape you into what you are meant to be--a hero made in His image--one day?

A true story of a true hero, & a glimpse of the distance, the height, and the depth a Perfect Father's love would go for His child. Enjoy & discover!

Just a Little Branch

"I am the Vine, you are the branches." John 15:5

'Tis only a little Branch

A thing so fragile and weak,

But that little Branch hath a message true

To give, could it only speak.

"I'm only a little Branch,
I live by a life not mine,
For the sap that flows through my tendrils small
Is the life-blood of the Vine.

"No power indeed have I
The fruit of myself to bear,
But since I'm part of the living Vine,
Its fruitfulness I share.

"Dost thou ask how I abide?
How this life I can maintain?--
I am bound to the Vine by life's strong band,
And I only need remain.

"Where first my life was given,
In the spot where I am set,
Upborne and upheld as the days go by,
By the stem which bears me yet.

"I fear not the days to come,
I dwell not upon the past,
As moment by moment I draw a life,
Which for evermore shall last.

"I bask in the sun's bright beams.
Which with sweetness fills my fruit,
Yet I own not clusters hanging there,
For they all come from the root."

A life which is not my own,
But another's life in me:
This, this is the message the Branch would speak,
A message to thee and me.

Oh, struggle not to "abide,"
Nor labor to "bring forth fruit,"
But let Jesus unite thee to Himself,
As the Vine's Branch to the root.

So simple, so deep, so strong
That union with Him shall be:
His life shall forever replace thine own,
and His love shall flow through thee;

For His Spirit's fruit is love,
And love shall thy life become,
And for evermore on His heart of love
Thy spirit shall have her home.

FREDA HANBURY

I finally found a poem that resonates with the song in my heart when I first started this blog. It's so simple, beautiful, yet in a way, sad. Because I now understand that when I become a little branch in Christ, I have chosen to die of my self, my desires and hopes. I am no longer my own, but I live His life. Yet, deep down inside, my soul finally find rest and a deep, deep joy, because, it knows it has found the right home to belong, a truly safe place to abide--in God's perfect, unfailing love.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20

What more can I ask for? If God would die for me. How can I not fall in love with Someone who knows all my imperfections and griefs, and yet love me perfectly, fiercely and eternally. He held nothing back, just to love me, and you. :-)

There are 2 sides to everything

I love sitting on beautiful, warm Turkish carpets. It feels so cosy and safe. Recently, at a gathering, the host drew our attention to the hidden beauty of his Turkish carpet--it was actually stitched in such a way that the underside shows the exact same pattern as the front. It must have been the work of a master carpet weaver!

I also tried a bit of sewing recently. Haha, it was an idea borrowed from a very creative colleague of mine. She sew her name onto her labcoat and added little buttons for the circular letters. One day, I decided to try to emulate, using the little supply of thread and buttons I can scavenge from my long neglected sewing box. Ta Daa!!! With my limited sewing skills, I managed to come up with something that look quite neat (to me).

However when I turn over the pocket, I got quite disgusted by the loose threads, crooked stitches, and ugly knots. I am no naturally talented seamstress afterall.

Actually the sewing reminds me of my own life too. Oftentimes, by my conscientious effort, I can make myself look quite "neat" and presentable to others. I can keep smiling. I can show up and contribute proactively. I can give the right answers and try to sound confident. But would it be a true reflection of who I really am inside? Would anyone realise how much struggle it takes to put on that bright smile even when things are not going well? How inadequate I can actually feel at work or in church, and how many times I needed to cry out to God to help me understand things?

There are always 2 sides to everything, the positive and the negative, the seen and the unseen, the probable and the possible. Even as we try to stay on the bright side, sometimes, we need to acknowledge the darker side too. Perhaps the greater treasure may actually be found in the dark side. Because courage is not about appearing unafraid, but about facing fear, and not backing down. Joy is not about a sorrow-free heart, but the ability to look beyond the present disappointments and see hope in the future. And faith is not having no doubt, but in choosing to trust in God's promises despite many unanswered questions churning in the distressed soul.

When we see a beautiful person, full of compassion and wisdom, do we ever wonder the humbling and refining it takes to cultivate this tender heart and perceptive soul? When we see a lovely relationship, full of submission and tenderness, do we wonder how much sacrifices and forgiveness the couple has poured into each other? Oftentimes, true sweetness can only be tasted after the fruit has been crushed and strained. Can there be beauty without pain? Can peace come without a struggle? Can love blossom without the dying of self?

Yet I believe God is the Divine Repairer of our lives. Even in the midst of broken dreams and failures, He can bring something beautiful out of our lives, if we would surrender the broken pieces to Him. And He is the Master Weaver too, one day, He will turn over the carpet of our lives and show us how every black thread was woven in, so that the bright ones can shine even brighter. And I'm sure, it will be a masterpiece, far better than any imitations I can ever come up with.

If there ever were dreams
That were lofty and noble
They were my dreams at the start
And the hopes for life's best
Were hopes that I harboured
Down deep in my heart

But my dreams turned to ashes
My castles all crumbles
My fortune turned to loss
So I wrapped it all in the rags of my life
And laid it at the cross

Something beautiful, something good;
All my confusion He understood.
All I had to offer Him
Was brokenness and strife,
But He made something beautiful of my life.

Every good and perfect gift is from above

When was the last time you stopped and watched a glorious sunset? Drink in the beautiful hues of gold, rose and violet generously splashed across the cool blue sky, and hold your breath as the stunning rays move across the sky, revealing a dynamic masterpiece of changing patterns that can set your imagination running wild?

Recently, while alighting from the train at the Chinese Garden MRT, I was captivated by the vast canopy of glowing art across the sky as the sun sets at the Jurong Lake, and all I could do was to keep drawing closer to the beautiful view. Quite a couple of people were already clicking away with their cameras and handphones. I had neither, so I could only take mental pictures in my mind. But it was enough for me, the moment of reverence and awe was unforgettable. There were pools of warm gold splattered in the western part, as pink feathery clouds spread their wings across the blue expanse. The light yellow rays radiate like spokes of a bicycle wheel through the pools and pink feathers, creating a unique display of shapes, colours and effects. On the east, there were sweet pink velvety clouds hanging softly on the purplish-blue sky, like the pretty scarves worn by girls on their romantic dates. And as the sun rays receded, the pink turns to a richer orange-red, like the way some of my friends would blush after tasting wine. The warm golden pools changed to layers of deepening orange and red, as if there is a cyclone sucking in the colour and light from the middle. The pink feathers become softer and softer, like a phoenix coming home to rest in its nest after a tired day of flight. And Jurong Lake was illuminated with the changing lights, reflecting the heavenly performance in its own fluid and graceful waves.

Beautiful things like this set me wondering how can anyone not believe in Heaven and a Creator of beauty and order? How can anyone not give thanks that the world is not just black and white (ok and perhaps green for photosynthesis), with the bare minimum of air, food and water for life to survive; since by the law of conservation, whatever additional energy spent in beauty and glory, may be considered wasted and should be channelled into selective advantage for the survival of the fittest? Sometimes i think it takes alot more faith to be an aethist, than to be a believer. Because an aethist believe that everything happen over time, by chance and elimination, and then the whole world just turns out the way it is today, with so much order and beauty to behold. It's as if parts of an engine and metal pieces just fell from the sky, and miraculously a pretty, functional automobile was assembled by sheer luck! I find it easier to believe that there is an intelligent Designer and Creator behind every complex living thing, and every marvellous feat of nature; just as there is an intelligent designer and engineer behind every working machinery on the road.

As a biology student, i was always amazed at how complex a little cell--the most basic unit of life--can be. Even till today, scientists have not since stop discovering new structures, patterns and order in the cell, causing it to be so dynamic and potent, that just one cell is needed to give rise to a whole complex organism with multiple systems, organs, and tissues, all working together to sustain life and living instincts.

Recently, scientists have celebrated the breakthrough of creating the "first synthetic cell". It took 25 top scientists, $40 million (US), over 5 years, and a heavy dependence of super computers to assemble sequences from an already known genome, to finally create a bacterial cell, which is much, much simpler than an animal or plant cell. How much more intelligence is needed to create cells that programme themselves to grow, divide, adhere, localise, differentiate, self-defend, and even die? From scatch? To get multicellular organisms, some as big as the whale, and some as powerful as the lion, and some as graceful as the gazelles? Could these have all happened by chance?

A dividing cell showing the orderly splitting of chromatids (highly compacted chromosomes carrying the genetic material needed for each cell to run itself)--from Cell Imaging Facebook.



Yesterday, my friend showed us the ultrasound photographs of her baby in her womb. We were all so fascinated to see the child so clearly, even at the completion of the 1st trimester. We can see the head, the eyes, the ears and a little arm at its side. It is as great a miracle to me, as the sunset, and of even deeper and dearer meaning too, albeit this time, it's taking place in the little, warm, dark corner called the womb. My faith arose as I rejoice and pray for the little child, because I know God who has formed him in his mother's womb, must love him so, and have great plans for him.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

I believe that every law observable in nature has a Law-Maker. I believe that every order that keeps the world going, despite all the pain, suffering and disasters, have an Order-Setter. And I believe that every beautiful miracle lavished upon us comes from a Mighty Creator who has set His heart out to delight us, amaze us, make us sigh, inspire us to dream, and pursue us till the day we recognise the eternity He has set in our hearts.

What does love look like?

Kapoked from Lightphoria :-P

Here's a song that gave me a glimpse into a different kind of love when I was a teenager.

I read a note my Grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me
He said, "Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I love your Grandma so.

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together
Get married in the first town we came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter, and this is what it said:

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again

I'll be loving you
Love, Me."

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away
In the doorway of the church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray
I know I've never seen him cry in all my fifteen years
But as he said these words to her, his eyes fill up with tears

"If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be

But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Til I see you again

I'll be loving you
Love, Me."

I believe there is a love that waits and never gives up. A love that even death cannot tear apart. A love made possible by the everlasting God, Who is Himself, Love. A love that He has placed within the capacity of every human heart, that is sure, steadfast, sacrificial and unconditional. But unless we know that we have been loved by such a love, can we give it to another.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Lord, show me Your love, and teach me to love Your way--surely, steadfastly and unfailingly.

What does God look like to you?

I came across this little poem in a little shop. It makes me smile in its simple, yet profound way and may it make you smile too :-)

One day in my thoughts,

I walk with you hand in hand,

You said there are things that you just didn't understand

How high is the sky...what makes it so blue --

And you said to me what does God look like to you?

And I said,

"He looks like a rainbow just after the rain

He is as golden as a wick dancing over the flame
He looks like a star when the night's crystal clear

He looks like a baby when mother is near

His face is like the moonlight reflected on snow
His hair is like a garden where all flowers grow
His heavenly eyes are as calm as the sea

You see, that's what God really looks like to me.

His heart is like a mountain so vast and so strong,

That's why all His children have room to belong.

His smile is the morning you are awakened to see --

And most of all, friends like you

are what God looks like to me."

I've often wondered what would it be like to see Jesus face to face in heaven. When we sing "Beautiful Saviour", I wonder if I can ever catch my breath while beholding the beauty of the Creator of the universe. Yet, this child-like poem help me to realise that Jesus has been revealing His beauty to me in daily little things that lift up my soul and make my heart sing. Sometimes, beauty doesn't have to come in grandiose and breathtaking ways, it may grow and blossom right in our daily paths, like the wild flowers swaying cheerfully in the breeze, waiting quietly for us to stop, notice and gaze in delight.

Thank you Lord for your gentle and humble ways with us. May we open our eyes to see and our hearts to rejoice in your wondrous gifts.