One day, as my friend and I were walking down the street, we found ourselves behind a disheveled mother with a grubby little boy in hand. She was angry at the child and was walking much too fast, towing him at a pace his little legs couldn’t maintain.
We reached a busy intersection where the child abruptly stopped and his hand slipped out of his mother’s grasp. She turned around, spat out a curse, and trudged on. The little boy sat down on the curb and burst into tears. Without a moment’s hesitation, my friend sat down next to him and gathered the little guy in his arms.
The woman turned and, looking at the child, began to curse again. My friend sighed and looked up. “Lady,” he said softly, “If you don’t want him, I’ll take him.”
So it is with our Father in heaven. He too has known great loss and loves us just as tenderly. Even if our friends and family forsake us, our God never will (Ps. 27:10). We are ever in His care.
I love to dwell upon the thought
That Jesus cares for me,
It matters not what life may bring—
He loves me tenderly.
—Adams
If God cares for sparrows, He surely cares for us.
Psalm 27:1-10
New International Version (NIV)
Psalm 27
Of David.
The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked advance against me
to slander me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
Perhaps it is my personality or my life, I seem to go through life wanting a love that no one can give. When I was a child, I kept demanding for 'equal treatment' from my parents, hoping that they could pay more attention to me and give me the same concern as they gave my elder brother. I couldn't understand that it was already hard enough for them, as a young couple to cope with the many challenges and stress of adulthood, marriage and parenting, that it was only natural for them to try their best for the first child, and expect the second child (I was only 1 year behind my brother) to fit into the "structures" they have already created for the first child. I remember getting upset when Papa wouldn't find time to sit down with me and help me decide the secondary schools to list down as my top choices at Primary 6.
"How come you got time to do that with Gorgor, and no time for me?" I sobbed.
"How come you got time to do that with Gorgor, and no time for me?" I sobbed.
"Isn't it the same thing? So what school do you want to go?" Papa answered with an exasperated sigh.
"River Valley High," I couldn't think of going to any school, other than the one Gorgor has got in. I was a very insecure middle child indeed.
Later on in life, I continued to experience rejection and the fear of rejection. It seems like I am always the second-best, good enough not to be singled out for close supervision, but not good enough to be noticed. And when I tried to do something better to get noticed, I would very soon land myself in trouble.
"Lifang, would you like to carry these workbooks for me to the next class?" my favourite teacher took me by surprise one day. I looked up into Miss Lee's pretty eyes and nodded. I carried the books with trembling hands to the next class, my heart bursting with joy. Only 'good' students and teachers' pets get to do these duties then. Unfortunately, the stack of plastic-wrapped workbooks were stacked too loosely and more than half the pile slipped out of my arms just when I was about to reach the teacher's desk in the next classroom.
"Ooooh...wah," the class resounded at the terrible crash of workbooks on the floor, and someone giggled. I looked back to see the annoyance in Miss Lee's eyes, and quickly picked up the books. But the pieces of my heart seemed to remain on the floor, as I quietly went back to my class.
"Ooooh...wah," the class resounded at the terrible crash of workbooks on the floor, and someone giggled. I looked back to see the annoyance in Miss Lee's eyes, and quickly picked up the books. But the pieces of my heart seemed to remain on the floor, as I quietly went back to my class.
"Lifang, how did you cope with your father when he kept criticising you at home?" asked my friend who knew about my Christian testimony which is centered upon my broken relationship with my father who went through a season of depression in my late teens. My friend was hoping to find some ways to help her student with similar family issues.
"Err.. I ran away from home." I replied honestly. It was much later, when I was in Uni Year 2, that I moved home from hostel, faced similar issues, that I learnt to turn to God and seek His strength to love and forgive.
As I mature as a Christian, I started to understand that love is not 'equal treatment', special attention or 100% acceptance. I also understood that love cannot be demanded with tears and sulking, it cannot be earned with perfect performance, and it cannot be forced with threats of giving up and running away. When I looked at the example of Christ's love in the bible... I understood why love never fails...because love is a decision. When you have decided to give your heart to love and protect someone, you just keep going, even when that someone choose to break your heart. Christ loves us, but He couldn't demand our love, nor force it, nor earn it. All He could do, was to love us with His everything, to go through pain and suffering for us, even if it means hanging on the cross to be mocked by the very ones He loved. He did these in hope that one day, our eyes could be opened, to see His love and to choose to love Him back. Love is patient, Love is kind. No matter what it takes, Love always hopes and trusts for the best of His Beloved.
As I enter the working world, I continue to struggle with my fear of rejection/exclusion, and the way I seem to be like a magnet attracting the very things I fear. For a long time, I never seemed to be able to stay in a single project for long, I was a gap-filler and trouble-shooter. A couple of times, my name was left out in the presentations of the projects that I was abruptly inserted in to fulfill a certain role, and a few months later, just as abruptly removed when the need had been met, and there was another problem elsewhere to be solved. I tried to defend for myself, but I realised I couldn't. I had never felt so dispensable in my life. But God showed me how I could continue to give my best, wherever I may find myself, when I choose to work for Him, and not for men or recognition.
Today, I continue to struggle. Even though I get alot more attention and ownership of what I do, but I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope, that anytime, I may just fumble with my words or actions, and fall into a heap, yes, like those textbooks. With the close interaction with my new team, I find myself sensitive to every change in their moods and tones. There are times when I felt so fearful of the tension at work, that my immediate response was to run away. Somehow, despite having outgrown the teenage years of running away from home, certain triggers still remained the same in me.
My faith in Christ has set me free. He has shown me that I am loved and accepted by Him, and even if human love changes overnight, I am still precious to my God. Because I lived in His truth, I have nothing to hide, nothing to lose, nothing to prove. I can be who I am and trust God's grace to carry me through. I'm thankful that God would take me. He will pick me up, even if my father or my friend leave me crying in a heap on the ground.
I can't re-write my past, but I can re-write my response to the past. I can choose not to be afraid of being rejected or excluded, and not running away. Even when I cannot defend for myself, I can trust God to defend me and lift up my head in His time. I can be brave and strong, because He loves me, yes, the grubbiest and most broken-up me, with all His heart.
"Just one moment of knowing that you are unconditionally loved, can call into question a lifetime of feeling unworthy and invalidate it."
May we choose to love as He had loved!
