There are two Me's...
When I was told that I was being judged each time I was seen at work, that I need to be SEEN working more diligently and efficiently, rather than talking to any outsiders or doing any secondary duties, or even routine chores, and if anyone suggested that I seemed to be taking half a day to do a simple task, my competency would be questioned...
There's a Me that cried out, "Why do I need to sell myself all the time? Why do I need to show the world how much I know, how well I work and how fast I can do things? Isn't it enough for me to finish my work, even if no one sees me getting it done?"
There's another Me that whispered, "Isn't this the same problem you run into previously? No one appreciates you. You are penalised for doing the duties dumped on you, you are being backstabbed by the very people you tried to respect and serve. Can't you just stop being selfless, stop being friendly, stop helping people to get ahead of yourself? Stop doing the secondary duties. Nobody cares if you do them at all. Just follow the norm, 'bo chap' until it's too late, then you won't need to do them anymore. Don't bother about washing those stuff at the sink, stop topping things up, stop clearing the rubbish after everyone else, just leave it till it's too late, and then some unlucky one will be forced to do it out of desperation, but at least you won't be seen like a routine chore-worker. Stop being friendly to anyone other than those useful to you, stop trying to make people smile and stop appreciating them just for being there, why do you waste time making others feel good, see each one as a competitor, use them to make yourself look good, make them give you what you need or want."
When I read the modern-day Samaritan story about about Yue Yue, the toddler who was ran over by two drivers, and left to die by 18 passerbys, until a scrap collector saw her, took compassion on her, and risking further complications, pulled her to safety...
There's a Me that asked the same questions as the old lady when she was expectedly, and ironically, accused by the public to be trying to gain publicity, "Is it really so hard to be a good person? To value another human life enough to do what you can do to save it, or even just help it to breathe a little easier for a even a short while? Wouldn't it make a world of difference to a dying child to look into the compassionate eyes, or even just feel the warmth in a human's arms, than to be left to die in the cold and darkness? What if you were the one being left to die in a pool of blood? What if it had been your child or your loved one?"
There's another Me that challenged, "Do you think you will have the courage to pull the toddler to safety if it had been you passing by? Don't you realise the old scrap collector had much less to lose compared to the 18 busy white-collared employees? Do you have the time, the courage, the confidence, the first aid knowledge to help the child without making things worse and ending yourself in deeper shit just for trying to help out of your naivety? Haven't you heard that people who helped old people who fell down, had got sued for their injuries too? Are you able to take the risk? At that crucial moment? Would you able to think clearly and act, before the child disappear round the bend, and you allow the demands of the day to drown out the moanings of the little voice?"
When my fellow cell member shared about how easy it is for a Christian to abandon his faith, if he is to go through heavy losses, injustice and painful rejection in life, despite having served and given to God faithfully...
There's a Me that answered with confidence, "A relationship is not a contract. It is not dependent on circumstances. You don't give up a relationship, just because it is not giving you what you want. If you really love God, serving and giving to Him should be unconditional."
There's another Me that confessed deep inside, "I am exactly like you. I struggle too, though I am often too proud and rational to admit it. I know if I truly love God and trust Him, I'll follow Him no matter what it takes. But so often, I doubted. I asked God why He had to break me so? Why I don't even have the right to pursue the things I want so badly that it breaks my heart just to lay them down each time they come into mind? Why I cannot play by the rules of the world, and glory in the things other people glory in? Why do I spend my nights praying, and my weekends serving, when I just want to relax and pamper myself with a long break? I know God loves me, and He sent His Son to die for me. Even if He doesn't do another thing for me, the debt His love has paid for me is so immense, I can never repay Him and I need to be grateful to Him. But the truth is, I am not grateful. I asked God, 'Where are You?', when I felt lonely and rejected. I asked God, 'Why don't You answer me?', when I felt lost and frustrated. I even accused Him, 'Why do You give me desires that I cannot satisfy? Why do You allow me to fall in love with something I cannot have?', when I needed to let go of what was not meant for me. And when I was down in the pit of despair and rejection, I cried, 'My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? If You are really there, answer me!' "
There are two Me's...
I used to think the first Me is the good Me, and I need to let it win over the second Me, which is ugly and worldly. And I have become so used to repressing the existence of the second Me, that sometimes, I don't even remember it's me. I may call it the voice of the devil or the voice of the world, and work hard at ignoring it. And my efforts at avoiding the painful truth of my own weaknesses make it hard for me to empathise with the people who are frank about their weaknesses. I become the self-righteous Pharisee, the elder brother that hates to see his younger brother back in the prodigal father's arms.
As I led another fellow sister in bible study, we came to a question:
What does the pre-eminence of Christ mean to you personally?
My answer 6 months ago:
Christ is the most important Person in my life. He is my Way, my Truth, and my Life. I am to follow Him.
To my surprise, I heard myself saying this, "You know, it is not the external show that God is looking at, it is the heart. Sometimes, Christians like me, may think that we need to follow God out of compulsion, because of what we have come to know Him as, and because of what He has done for us. But this is not the relationship God wants for us. He wants us to desire Him, to want to follow Him out of love and desire, not because we think there's no other way. How would you feel, if your boyfriend tells you, he's obliged to have dinner with you, rather than he's having dinner with you because he truly wants to be with you?"
My sister understood and she wisely summarised my answer, "Following Christ without the whole heart is not really following Christ." Because Christ is Love and whole-hearted devotion. And there's no faking to true love, no shortcut to whole-hearted devotion. Intimacy doesn't come through logical rationalization or nicely balanced equations. Intimacy comes through the embers of delight kindling the raw fires of desire and passion. Somehow as I seek to be firm and rigid in my obedience to what I know about God and His nature, I've lost the joy of simply loving Him and wanting to be with Him. I stopped knowing Him in the intimate way that I am once used to. Just when I insisted that love is not a contract, obedience comes without conditions, I've made it a cold, hard contract for myself, because I denied the second Me from crying its heart out to God.
There are two Me's...
And I've come to realise both Me's are me, they are both not God, they are not to dictate the choices I've made in life, but they are to be acknowledged and struggled with. Albeit contradictory, they make me human, complete with both rational thoughts and emotional needs, with ideals and fears, with strengths and vulnerabilities. So that I can connect with another human being sailing through the same storms in life.
There is a new Me...
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17. I have come to see that as a Christian, a bearer of Christ, we are made new, constantly. Not just at the time of conversion, but each time we yield and surrender to the workings of the Spirit within us. Each time, we say 'yes Lord, change me', not out of compulsion, but out of deep, deep desire, God comes and does a new work in our hearts. God is working in my heart. He is teaching me how to be humble and to listen to what He really wants, what I really feel, and what others are really saying. He is showing me how I can stop being so defensive towards criticism and accusations, and trust Him to keep me safe, because my value is secure in Him.
There will be a new Us...
I just read 'The Prodigal God'. It spoke the two ways a human can choose to live in order to seek satisfaction for its ever hungering heart. The first way is through self-discovery and experiential gratification. It is the path the younger brother in the parable of 'The Prodigal Son' chose. He told his father that he want to be the master of his own life, and demanded his share of the inheritance and left the family. On his search for his own fortune, he squandered his inheritance in wild living. The second way is through the careful, religious observation of the rules and requirements expected of us. It is the path the elder brother took, when he faithfully stayed with his father, labouring for him and never asking for any special favours. Because he thought by doing so, and by being such a stark contrast to his younger brother, he will surely deserve his father's wealth and respect. Yet both paths are sin... because sin is not just about breaking a rule, sin is a heart that refuses to acknowledge God as our Maker and Lord; sIn is putting 'I' in the center of our lives, making ourselves the lord and master of our lives. If we think we can bend God's arm to give us what we want, just by religiously obeying his laws and serving Him, then we are really our own god and judge.
The writer ended the book with the story of "Babette's Feast". Where the lives of two religious sisters came to a crossroad when their two young suitors sought to win their hearts and tempt them to live a life of sensuality and worldly success. Even though both women chose to remain behind in their strict and moral community, they did not find joy. When Babette, a refugee living with the sisters, offered to hold a feast with her lottery winnings, one of the suitors, now a great general, was invited. He arrived and reminisced the past. He felt that for all his worldly success he had not achieved happiness. He remembered his young love and her spiritual seriousness and wondered if he had missed out on what really mattered in life. However, the sisters had not achieved what they had hoped for, either, though they had followed the path of religious service. It was only when everyone sat down to enjoy the feast, the power of food and drink and the act of sharing them, break through the defenses of the people, and hearts softened and words sweetened, and forgiveness was sought and granted. One of the sisters began to sing with her pure and beautiful voice and everyone listened and remembered. The general rose to quote Psalm 85: "For mercy and truth have met together and righteousness and bliss have kissed one another." For he realised that somehow, morality and joy, the ethical and sensual, can come together.
Nevertheless the story does not provide us with a clear answer. Both the worldly life of sensual pleasure and the religious life of ethical strictness fail to give the human heart what it is seeking, then what is the way beyond these two ways? What does the great feast that melts hearts represent?
Jesus says, "I am the Bread of Heaven." He also shows us there is another way: through Him. And to enter that way and to live a life based on His salvation (not just laws!) will bring us to the ultimate banquet at the end of time. And even though we can have a foretaste of this beautiful ending and new beginning on this side of heaven--through prayer, serving others in love, allowing God to change us from within, and allowing Him to heal our relationships--they remain a foretaste of what is to come.
On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare
a feast of rich food for all peoples,
a banquet of aged wine--
the best of meats and the finest of wines.
On this mountain He will destroy
the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
the sheet that covers all nations;
He will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears
from all faces;
He will remove the disgrace of His people
from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken. (Isaiah 25:6-8)
And I guess that will be the day our hearts can truly rest.
